Molotov Cockfight: Peter The Great Versus Ivan Drago

in History, Ivan Drago, Peter The Great, Sports, Television/Movies category

As chief editor and CEO of If They Fight, it shouldn't surprise you that I'm a big fan of naked agression. Got a problem with that?

And as a big fan of naked aggression, it also shouldn't suprise you that my two favorite subjects in school were 18th century European history and the Sylvester Stallone body of movies. Both had plenty of violence. The only major difference was that the 18th century had less steroids (rimshot!) 

Most importantly, both had heartless Russian colossuses that would make a fight for the ages if matched up.

  Ivan "The Siberian Express" Drago Peter "The Great" The Great
Mug Shot    
Era Rocky IV 17th and 18th Century Europe
Height 6'4" 6'8"
Favored -ism Communism Tsarism
Notable Acts Of Ruthlessness After pummeling former Heavyweight Champion of the World Apollo Creed into oblivioon, Drago announces as Creed lays dying "If he dies... he dies." Gave Rocky Balboa irreversible brain damage. Tortured eldest son Alexei to death. One rumor says that Peter personally decapitated Alexei and employed a seamstress to sew the head back on. Would attend public executions and sometimes shove exectutioner out of the way to handle the killing himself.
Biggest Weakness Heavy reliance on anabolic steroids. In a Rocky-era boxing match, this obviously isn't a problem. Everybody in those films, including Adrian and Paulie, was juicing like a mid-90s MLB power hitter. If I can arrange this fight, both fighters will be strictly tested. Had abnormally small feet for his size. Also drank a shitload. So poor balance.

Pool Of Blood: Michael Phelps Versus A Dolphin

in Athletes, Dolphin, Michael Phelps, Wildlife category

Remember before the Winter Olympics were cool everybody had a hard-on for the Summer ones? And remember Michael Phelps,  that guy everybody thought was so great because he outswam a bunch of humans?

Big deal. I'm a human and I suck at swimming. But you know who doesn't suck at swimming? Dolphins.

This train of logic can only lead us to one thing. To be any good, the next Summer Olympics will have to have Phelps fight a dolphin to the death in a swimming pool. (The pool will be salt water to be fair to the dolphin, of course.)

  Bottlenose Dolphin Michael Phelps
Mug shot
Grin Adorable Goofy
Preferred Inhalation Method Blowhole Bong
What I Like Over a thousands pounds + incredible speed burst ability = deadly ramming potential. According to this textbook I found, a dolphin charge does 2d6+5 damage. Phelps better bring a lot of hit points. You can't make a fists with flippers. Meanwhile Gold Medal Boy can lob his hand grenades from a distance with his 6-ft. 7-in. arm span.
What Worries Me Friendliness. There have 24 reported cases of dolphin agression towards humans in the last five years. That's it? We're killing them for cheap seafood, making them do stupid tricks for fat tourists and trying to ride them. Where's dolphin Spartacus? Inferior human respiratory system. Bottlenose dolphins can hold their breath for up to 20 minutes. Phelps is in trouble if the dolphin can get a piece of him and keep him underwater.

Olympic Impact: Luge Guy Versus Skeleton Guy

in Athletes, Luge Guy, Skeleton Guy category

Special Fight Rules - The participants will meet on a specially designed luge/skeleton run. I've had somebody in our labs draft up the schematics shown on the right.

  • A represents the starting point of Luge Guy. 
  • B represents the starting point of Skeleton Guy.
  • C represents their point of impact.
  Skeleton Guy Luge Guy
     
Attack Move  Flying headbutt Double-leg kick
 What I Like If he steers well, could land a devastating headbutt to the exposed crotch of Luge Guy. Two feet, two weapons. Could combine them and go straight for the helmet or separate for a pincer attack aimed at exposed shoulders.
What Worries Me Might be hard to keep his eye on the prize. Luge Guy gets to watch the initial impact from six feet away. Skeleton Guy must suppress instinct and not blink. Footwear. When throwing a 90 mile per hour luge kick, slippers aren't ideal protective gear.

President's Day Ruckus: George Washington Versus Abraham Lincoln

in Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Politicians, Presidents category
  George Washington Abraham Lincoln
Mug shot    
Teeth Hippopotamus ivory (really) Believed to be real
Didn't get along with England The South
What I like Badassness. Was getting shot at and enjoying it long before the Revolutionary War even started: "I have heard the bullets whistle; and believe me, there is something charming in the sound." Slight reach advantage. Washington himself is a tall guy, especially for his era, but he doesn't match the lanky 6'4" body of the 16th president.
What Worries Me How will he handle punching another American in the face? Fought the English, French and Canadians but never had to throw down in a civil war like Abe. Poor fight record. Wife Mary Todd Lincoln kicked the crap out of him at least a few times. Almost fought a saber duel once but somebody lame interfered and denied him some much-needed head-knocking experience.

Mad Scientist's Delight: Giant Pigeon Versus Reanimated T-Rex

in Nature, Pigeon, Tyrannosaurus rex category
  T-Rex Giant Pigeon*
Mug Shot    
Species Tyrannosaurus rex C. livia
What I Like Lots. Excellent vision. Teeth that can crush hadrosaur bone. Quick on its feet when moving. Powerful legs that provide a sturdy base. Killer instinct. Experience fighting giant things. Flight. T-rex has a lot going for it but the pigeon's aerial ability is what makes this a fair fight. Also, bravery. 32 pigeons were awarded the Dickin Medal during World War II.
What Worries Me Upper body strength. Those tiny arms aren't going to offer a lot of protection when the pigeon goes into its kamikaze dive attack. We saw this issue when T-Rex's purple cousin Barney fought Grimace. Pigeons, like other flying birds, have hollow bones. These are more than sturdy enough for flying but will crunch like a Butterfinger if Rex gets a bite.

*A quick note here about what I mean by a giant pigeon. The pigeon in this fight would be the same size as the T-Rex.

My logic is that by the time we have the technology to reanimate dinosaurs, we will have the power to make a pigeon 35-feet tall.

Super Brawl: Peyton Manning Versus Drew Brees

in Athletes, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Super Bowl category
  Peyton Manning Drew Brees
Mug Shot He only owns one shirt Genocidal maniac Carmen Sandiego
Profession Product endorser, NFL quarterback NFL quarterback
Mole No Yes
What I Like Size. Big reach advantage over Brees. Probably has some experience ass-kicking from beating on younger brother Eli. Toughness. Half a foot shorter and 20 pounds lighter than Peyton but has only missed one game since 2005. And that's despite arguably having a weaker O-line protecting him. Sacked 20 times this year, while Peyton was sacked only 10.
 What Worries Me Peyton is probably the greatest quarterback in history when it comes to adjusting and commanding his team. What will he do when it's just mano-a-mano? Possible Madden Curse. Brees is being considered for the cover of the next iteration of the game.

Vodka RUMble: Captain Morgan Versus Svedka G_rl

in Advertisements, Brands, Captain Morgan, Logos, Mascots, Pirates, Robots, Robots, Svedka G_rl, Television/Movies category
  Captain Morgan Svedka G_rl
Mug Shot He only owns one shirt Genocidal maniac Carmen Sandiego
Profession Rum brand spokespirate Vodka brand spokesbot
Most Dangerous Weapon Big-ass sword Titanium robot fists
What I Like Big man swinging a big sword. You can't stab a robot to death but you can beat it with something heavy until it's robot heard shoots sparks. Captain Morgan has the toolset to accomplish this. The robot angle intrigues me. No emotions, no mercy. She won't hesitate to use her super-bot strength to crush Morgan. If she can disarm him early and turn it into a grappling match, watch out.
 Biggest Weakness That outfit. The billowing cape, large hoop earrings and silly kerchief are all liabilities. I'm reminded of the time Royce Gracie won a UFC bout by latching onto his opponent's ponytail. Her disproportionate robot bosoms. She's a top-heavy girlbot. I'm concerned that a couple good shots from the Captain could put her on her back.

Hide-And-Go-Fight: Waldo Versus Carmen Sandiego

in Books, Carmen Sandiego, Children's show characters, Television/Movies, Waldo category
  Waldo Carmen Sandiego
Mug Shot He only owns one shirt Genocidal maniac Carmen Sandiego
Profession Vagabond Triple agent, heartless thief
If you were at Starbucks and had to use the bathroom, would you trust to watch your laptop? Yes No
Biggest Strength His arsenal. Find Waldo and you'll find him with a pile of travelling items that can double as dealers of death. Hey Waldo, try cracking your walking stick over Carmen's head a couple times and we'll see if she remembers where in the world she is. Ruthlessness. Once tried to steal the world's medicine. That's really messed up. This genocidal maniac isn't going to have second thoughts about turning Waldo's white and red sweater into an all red one. With his blood.
 Biggest Weakness Forgetfulness. The more he travels, the more he loses things. Surprising you don't find him naked at the end of his books. He can't kill anybody with his walking stick if he doesn't have it. Lack of big-fight experience. Carmen has done some really heinous stuff (see above) but it's been against some watered-down competition. ACME Detective Agency keeps sending kids to capture her. Waldo's a man. A homeless one possibly, but a man, nonetheless.

Tag-Tag-Team Special: Jonas Brothers Versus Alvin And The Chipmunks

in Alvin And The Chipmunks, Cartoon characters, Cartoons, Jonas Brothers, Music, Singers, Television/Movies category
  Jonas Brothers Alvin And The Chipmunks
Mug Shot
Description Teenybop singing trio with high-pitched voices. Teenybop singing trio with high-pitched voices.
Will they still be famous in five years? Probably not. Hells yeah.
Strengths Well-gelled hair could serve as a protective helmet from chipmunk headblows. Durability. These rodents have been avoiding frying pans and angry foot stomps since 1958.
 Weaknesses Focus. What happens when during the fight their painstakingly coiffed hairdos are disturbed? Alvin won't be afraid of throwing a punch while one of the bros is reaching for his comb. Theodore. His naivete and innonence can be adorable, but that doesn't win brawls. Alvin's shoot-fist mentality and Simon's smarts should help but Theo's contribution is questionable.

Autobattle: Bumblebee From Transformers Versus A Car Compactor

in Bumblee, Car Compactor, Cars, Cartoon characters, Everyday Objects, Television/Movies, Transformers category
  Bumblebee From Transformers Car compactor
Mug Shot
Relationship with cars Can turn into one. Crushes them.
Catchphrase "The least likely can be the most dangerous." krunch krunch krunch
Strengths Fuel efficiency. Good with humans. Crushing cars.
 Weaknesses He's a car. Also, questionable taste in friends. Shia Labeouf? Really? A one-dimensional fighter. Very good at crushing cars but how will he react if Bumblebee transforms into his humanoid form?