Remember before the Winter Olympics were cool everybody had a hard-on for the Summer ones? And remember Michael Phelps, that guy everybody thought was so great because he outswam a bunch of humans?
Big deal. I'm a human and I suck at swimming. But you know who doesn't suck at swimming? Dolphins.
This train of logic can only lead us to one thing. To be any good, the next Summer Olympics will have to have Phelps fight a dolphin to the death in a swimming pool. (The pool will be salt water to be fair to the dolphin, of course.)
| |
Bottlenose Dolphin |
Michael Phelps |
| Mug shot |
 |
 |
| Grin |
Adorable |
Goofy |
| Preferred Inhalation Method |
Blowhole |
Bong |
| What I Like |
Over a thousands pounds + incredible speed burst ability = deadly ramming potential. According to this textbook I found, a dolphin charge does 2d6+5 damage. Phelps better bring a lot of hit points. |
You can't make a fists with flippers. Meanwhile Gold Medal Boy can lob his hand grenades from a distance with his 6-ft. 7-in. arm span. |
| What Worries Me |
Friendliness. There have 24 reported cases of dolphin agression towards humans in the last five years. That's it? We're killing them for cheap seafood, making them do stupid tricks for fat tourists and trying to ride them. Where's dolphin Spartacus? |
Inferior human respiratory system. Bottlenose dolphins can hold their breath for up to 20 minutes. Phelps is in trouble if the dolphin can get a piece of him and keep him underwater. |
