Television/Movies

Molotov Cockfight: Peter The Great Versus Ivan Drago

in History, Ivan Drago, Peter The Great, Sports, Television/Movies category

As chief editor and CEO of If They Fight, it shouldn't surprise you that I'm a big fan of naked agression. Got a problem with that?

And as a big fan of naked aggression, it also shouldn't suprise you that my two favorite subjects in school were 18th century European history and the Sylvester Stallone body of movies. Both had plenty of violence. The only major difference was that the 18th century had less steroids (rimshot!)

Most importantly, both had heartless Russian colossuses that would make a fight for the ages if matched up.

	Ivan "The Siberian Express" Drago	Peter "The Great" The Great
Mug Shot
Era	Rocky IV	17th and 18th Century Europe
Height	6'4"	6'8"
Favored -ism	Communism	Tsarism
Notable Acts Of Ruthlessness	After pummeling former Heavyweight Champion of the World Apollo Creed into oblivioon, Drago announces as Creed lays dying "If he dies... he dies." Gave Rocky Balboa irreversible brain damage.	Tortured eldest son Alexei to death. One rumor says that Peter personally decapitated Alexei and employed a seamstress to sew the head back on. Would attend public executions and sometimes shove exectutioner out of the way to handle the killing himself.
Biggest Weakness	Heavy reliance on anabolic steroids. In a Rocky-era boxing match, this obviously isn't a problem. Everybody in those films, including Adrian and Paulie, was juicing like a mid-90s MLB power hitter. If I can arrange this fight, both fighters will be strictly tested.	Had abnormally small feet for his size. Also drank a shitload. So poor balance.

Vodka RUMble: Captain Morgan Versus Svedka G_rl

in Advertisements, Brands, Captain Morgan, Logos, Mascots, Pirates, Robots, Robots, Svedka G_rl, Television/Movies category

	Captain Morgan	Svedka G_rl
Mug Shot
Profession	Rum brand spokespirate	Vodka brand spokesbot
Most Dangerous Weapon	Big-ass sword	Titanium robot fists
What I Like	Big man swinging a big sword. You can't stab a robot to death but you can beat it with something heavy until it's robot heard shoots sparks. Captain Morgan has the toolset to accomplish this.	The robot angle intrigues me. No emotions, no mercy. She won't hesitate to use her super-bot strength to crush Morgan. If she can disarm him early and turn it into a grappling match, watch out.
Biggest Weakness	That outfit. The billowing cape, large hoop earrings and silly kerchief are all liabilities. I'm reminded of the time Royce Gracie won a UFC bout by latching onto his opponent's ponytail.	Her disproportionate robot bosoms. She's a top-heavy girlbot. I'm concerned that a couple good shots from the Captain could put her on her back.

Hide-And-Go-Fight: Waldo Versus Carmen Sandiego

in Books, Carmen Sandiego, Children's show characters, Television/Movies, Waldo category

	Waldo	Carmen Sandiego
Mug Shot
Profession	Vagabond	Triple agent, heartless thief
If you were at Starbucks and had to use the bathroom, would you trust to watch your laptop?	Yes	No
Biggest Strength	His arsenal. Find Waldo and you'll find him with a pile of travelling items that can double as dealers of death. Hey Waldo, try cracking your walking stick over Carmen's head a couple times and we'll see if she remembers where in the world she is.	Ruthlessness. Once tried to steal the world's medicine. That's really messed up. This genocidal maniac isn't going to have second thoughts about turning Waldo's white and red sweater into an all red one. With his blood.
Biggest Weakness	Forgetfulness. The more he travels, the more he loses things. Surprising you don't find him naked at the end of his books. He can't kill anybody with his walking stick if he doesn't have it.	Lack of big-fight experience. Carmen has done some really heinous stuff (see above) but it's been against some watered-down competition. ACME Detective Agency keeps sending kids to capture her. Waldo's a man. A homeless one possibly, but a man, nonetheless.

Tag-Tag-Team Special: Jonas Brothers Versus Alvin And The Chipmunks

in Alvin And The Chipmunks, Cartoon characters, Cartoons, Jonas Brothers, Music, Singers, Television/Movies category

	Jonas Brothers	Alvin And The Chipmunks
Mug Shot
Description	Teenybop singing trio with high-pitched voices.	Teenybop singing trio with high-pitched voices.
Will they still be famous in five years?	Probably not.	Hells yeah.
Strengths	Well-gelled hair could serve as a protective helmet from chipmunk headblows.	Durability. These rodents have been avoiding frying pans and angry foot stomps since 1958.
Weaknesses	Focus. What happens when during the fight their painstakingly coiffed hairdos are disturbed? Alvin won't be afraid of throwing a punch while one of the bros is reaching for his comb.	Theodore. His naivete and innonence can be adorable, but that doesn't win brawls. Alvin's shoot-fist mentality and Simon's smarts should help but Theo's contribution is questionable.

Autobattle: Bumblebee From Transformers Versus A Car Compactor

in Bumblee, Car Compactor, Cars, Cartoon characters, Everyday Objects, Television/Movies, Transformers category

	Bumblebee From Transformers	Car compactor
Mug Shot
Relationship with cars	Can turn into one.	Crushes them.
Catchphrase	"The least likely can be the most dangerous."	krunch krunch krunch
Strengths	Fuel efficiency. Good with humans.	Crushing cars.
Weaknesses	He's a car. Also, questionable taste in friends. Shia Labeouf? Really?	A one-dimensional fighter. Very good at crushing cars but how will he react if Bumblebee transforms into his humanoid form?

The OS Fracas: Mac Versus PC

in Computers, Mac, Nerd, Nerd fight, PC, Television/Movies category

	PC	Mac
Mug Shot
Known for	bumbling, making Mac look good	witticisms, looking hipper than PC
Distinctive features	accountant glasses, hideous suit	facial scruff, hoodie
Strengths	Something in those eyes makes me believe that this man has killed before, and will kill again. Serial killer face. Looks like the type of guy who hangs around bus stops looking for runaways to abduct. Give PC a knife and some duct tape, he'll know what to do.	Confidence. Doesn't think he can lose to PC in any way. His jackass smirk won't help him kick PC's ass, but believing in himself will.
Weaknesses	Built like an out-of-shape accountant. Needs to end the fight quickly or risk fatiguing in the later rounds.	There's no app that punches a guy in the face for you. So dependent on Apple products, questionable if this guy could actually accomplish anything without the latest iGadget.

The Purple Powwow: Barney Versus Grimace

in Barney, Children's show characters, Grimace, McDonald's, Television/Movies category

	Barney	Grimace
Mug Shot
Species	Tyrannosaurus rex	a grimace
Distinctive features	large, purple, stupid grin	large, purple, stupid grin
Strengths	Evolution baby; still a T-rex at the end of the day. Big powerful hips give him the lower body strength to lunge quickly and sink those big choppers into some Grimace flesh. Also, has a tail, which should give him better balance than Grimace, who just has a fat ass.	Has more street smarts that people give him credit for. Grimace may seems like a nice guy, but nice guys don't make it long in a world where the Hamburglar is always trying to hamburgle your shit.
Weaknesses	Does Barney have the killer instinct? Big question mark there. Had many, many opportunities to take down easy human prey in the form of pre-schoolers on his television show Barney and Friends. Instead opted for hugs and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.	Grimace's physical fitness has always been lacking. Shouldn't be surprising considering he spends a lot of his time figuring out how to get pudgy purple paws on McDonald's milkshakes (those things have a ton of calories). Also, extremely clumsy.